Coming to Terms with My New Reality

I can't believe how much life has changed in the last 2 months. One day I was living my life and the next day I found out that I had a brain tumor. Little did I realize how different life would be.
I had my brain biopsy on September 2nd. It was a bizarre experience. They didn't put me totally asleep. They just gave me some medicine so that I knew that there was something going on, I just didn't care. I knew people in the OR were talking and working on my brain, I couldn't feel it and I don't remember what was said. I do remember every once and a while they would ask me if I was okay. It only took about an hour to enter my brain and take out several pieces of the tumor. I had a cat scan afterward to make sure that there was no bleeding and then I was off to my room. I was up walking that night and home the next day.
Ever since then I have been feeling tired and my thinking gets cloudy very easily. Being able to concentrate on more than one task is thing of the past.
My leg is worse and my balance is off, so I use a wheelchair to get around most of the time. I have gained 25 pounds in the last few months from all the steroids that I am taking. One of the hardest things is the way that people look at me when we are out and about. Some people outright stare with a look of pity on there faces. "Look at that poor woman, I wonder what's wrong with her, " I imagine them thinking. It's a small thing, but one of the adjustments that must be made in my new reality.
We are in Houston at MD Anderson Cancer Center getting a second opinion. We met with the neurosurgeon on Friday. It wasn't what I had hoped. He doesn't want to operate on my tumor. I is too close to my speech and motor center. In a way I am glad that he isn't taking chances that would leave me incapacitated, but there is a part of my that just wants this thing out of my head. We met with the neuro- oncologist. She thinks radiation is the best course of action. The next step will be to meet with the radiation oncologist. We are hoping that I can do radiation in Denver, so that we can be closer to the kids. They have access to the same specialists there as they do in Houston. So now we wait to plan our trip home until we have that appointment. I am having an MRI on Friday night in Houston, so we are hoping to fly home for a few days, but are not sure that is going to work out. They are also supposed to get me appointments with the Social Worker, Nutritionist and Physical Therapy. I just want to get the ball rolling. I'm tired of waiting around.
The good thing is that I have been able to talk to other people who are "in treatment." The ones I have talked to don't necessarily have a brain tumor but they are playing the same waiting game and know what it's like. They have offered some good advice on what services are offered here, like accupuncture, support groups, and information.
Unfortunately, it's not like I am going to get radiation and life will go back to normal. I will have to be followed for the rest of my life. There is a chance that the tumor could come back in a more aggressive form and I will need more treatment. I am may never be able to go back to my nursing career. Being a nurse is part of who I am and have been for a long time. It makes me so sad to think that I will be leaving that part of my life behind. Sometimes it just overwhelms me and I wonder how I am going to make it through this. I don't want to have this brain tumor. I want to go back to life the way that it was. That, of course is not an option. I don't have choice, but to take care of this and be the best new me that I can. In one minute, I am certain that there is a reason for all of this and the next I wonder "why me."
So now I wait until tomorrow and see what it brings.